Why do I submit myself to the emotions of watching birth shows? I am sitting here crying after watching a woman have to go into an emergency csection. Why am I crying you may ask?

I want a baby. I want one so very badly. It seems so selfish of me b/c I have my beautiful 9 month old son, but somewhere in my heart I feel the hole in my little family. Dh does not want to even discuss the subject, and I really should just let it go for a while b/c I know that now is not a good time. It is just hard. We will definitely start trying again in December, but until then I will just have to be a martyr in my head.

I long for a natural birth so bad, and many things will be different this time. I will be going with a midwife and a doula to help keep my mind on track. It was so easy to agree with a doctor that pushed a csection b/c I wanted to see my baby as soon as possible. I miss being pregnant and having that glow. So many people told me that pregnancy suited me, and I kinda miss that.

Sigh...again the question on my mind is why do I even submit my mind to these thoughts?

I thought I would get some therapy out of my blog and take time to release things that annoy me or make me angry. Please dont take this to think that I am a negative person. The passive aggressive side of me needs to get these things out.

1. Elitest know-it-alls. You may know a lot, but you really dont have to tell me what you think is best for my child.

2. People interupting me while reading or while I am trying to concentrate. If I do not acknowledge that you walked into my office, please dont start rambling away while I am trying to get some reports done.

3. After sweeping and mopping, my sons onesie still comes out of the wash dingy and brown.

4. Dropping off Brayden 30min trip, Going to work 30 min trip, picking up Brayden 30min trip, Going home 30min trip.

5.I have no polish remover and only half of my toenails have paint.

6. My hair is in the wierd stage where it is not quite long enough to be in a full ponytail.

7. AF is supposed to show Monday, enough said.

8. My earliest bedtime this weekend was 11:30pm

9. Ice cream is my vice.

10. I started running out of negatie thoughts, buthad to make a tenth one b/c I am borderline OCD, and cannot end on an odd number.

Hello all, long time no blog.

I think I am going to touch on something here that may offend some, or even upset some, but in a way I have to get this out and off of my chest.

I voted for Obama. There I said it. Yes, I am pro-life, and yes, I believe that homosexuality is morally wrong. I was raised in a very Republican family, and somehow, someway, I got caught up in all the propaganda. Am I saying that McCain was a better choice, eh, not really but anyway.

I have been having doubts about my decision where at the time that I voted, I was sure that Obama was the best choice. After a great sermon one Wednesday, DH and I got in the car and I just sighed. He knew I was bothered and asked if I want to talk about it. At first, I really didnt know where to start, but then (as always) the fount began to flow.

I am all about human rights. I believe that everyone should have the same rights as everyone else, nor matter their moral scope. However a quote provided by my pastor broke me.

“Compromise is but the sacrifice of one right or good in the hope of retaining another--too often ending in the loss of both.”

Why was it ok for me to compromise life (anti-abortion) for the economy? Is money more important than a child's existence? I had such a burden on my heart about this thought.

The discussion in our little PT Cruiser came to Gay and Lesbian marriage, and I was quite adamant on telling him that it is not fair that they cannot marry. I was bringing out all the guns on this one, but one little thing he said stopped me in my tracks. "So, you want to make accommodating laws for sinners?" Sigh. Is that what I have been advocating for? Is it sad that I never thought of it this way?

I was able to talk this over with a great friend, and came to the conclusion to just give it to God. I cannot change the past, but I can overcome it through Christ. I think putting it out here in print just solidifies the fact that it is gone and over.

Thank you so much for reading, and I am sorry if I offended you. I promise that I did not intend to, and hope that you take this as my own personal beliefs and not an attack on anyone.

I have disabled comments on this post for drama control.

I thought for this blog I would let y'all into my past a bit. There are times when I think back on my childhood and remember it being a blast and then times when I remember it being hard. My siblings and I grew up poor. My dad was a trucker and in the 90s it was one of the least paying jobs in America. I can remember eating ramen for dinner and a biscuit for breakfast. I remember being so embarrassed in the lunch line when the lady asked for my card and I didnt have to give her money like my friends b/c I recieved free lunches, but then once I get past the bad things the good things shine through like a blaze.

We used to have this old rusty oldsmobile cutlass. It was baby poo yellow and constantly veered to the right. I shattered the back passenger side window just by closing the door after getting dropped off for school. So, my dad went home, patched it up with duct tape and a trash bag (black might I add). We still roll with laughter when we talk about it.

My siblings and I were constantly outside, and we had a big oak tree in the front yard. We once asked my dad for some rope to make a rope swing, then next day he came home with eighteen wheeler load straps and told us to have fun. That swing is still there when I pass by that old trailer.

Shopping is one of my most favorite things to do, but I do it smart. Being the oldest, I got a lot of priviledges like going shopping with my mom without the other kids. She taught me that we could have really nice things, and never have to pay full price. We went shopping once a month, and she would always buy me a Frozen coke to sip while we shopped. I would drink that thing so slow b/c I wanted it to last as long as possible.

I remember playing in the dirt in the back yard and making tunnels and bridges for my brothers' toy cars. Playing chool was one of our favorites, and I would take my books and make check out charts in each of them for my siblings to borrow.

When I was 15, after making the Regional honor band, I was asked to audition for State. My mom and I rode with another student and her mother and stayed in the hotel with them. My mom got a call right before my audition that a tree had fell on the house during a thunderstorm and destroyed almost everything. She didnt tell me until after my audition. We again had to start from scratch.

It is wierd thinking back on those times b/c my parents now live in a really nice trailer in a really nice neighborhood. They have two nice vehicles, and most of their children are thriving on their own (my brother still lives at home).

Truly, I believe I had the best childhood ever. We were very close, and I was loved.

I have been on this self motivation kick lately. Everyday when I get home, I take Brayden out fo his car seat, play with him for 15 minutes on my lap and then start dinner, wash the dishes from breakfast, pick up the room and closet, and start a load of clothes if needed. Once Brayden is down for the night around 7:30pm, I am able to do what my heart desires! these past few days I have been sewing and then two nights ago I put together the invites for work, but last night was completely different.

I spent 4 hours clipping coupons and looking at the circulars. I am pretty sure that I found great deals, but I wont really know until I go shopping. B/C I spent so much time on the coupons, my sink is full, DH had to put away the left overs, and the floor are filthy with rirtz crumbs. Sigh...I thought this was supposed to be easy and take very little time?